Identity, Boundaries & Relational Flourishing
We all wear a lot of “hats” in our lives, don’t we? Right off the top of my head as I reflect upon my roles and responsibilities in life, I can come up with a pretty long list, and many of you can as well. I’m a husband, dad, pastor, mentor, son, brother, grandson, uncle, teacher, student, etc. These are mostly roles that I have and I am sure I could list off as long of a list of responsibilities that I have. At times, these roles and responsibilities can and do feel very overwhelming. Does anyone else ever feel like they are crippling under the weight of the roles and responsibilities that they have in life? It’s often a challenge knowing even which hat to put on. I recently invited a conversation with my mom to which she responded, “are you wanting to talk to me as my son or my pastor”?
That isn’t an uncommon question in my life, as Tiffany often tells me that she needs to talk to me as her husband, not her pastor. Sometimes the confusion doesn’t even come from me wearing multiple hats in the same relationship, but trying to “manage” the tension that exists between the different roles and responsibilities within a relationship! For example, has anyone ever felt like they were in-between two friends having a disagreement or felt like you had to choose between being a good mom or a good wife? I’ve been there! I’ve never had to choose between being a good mom or a good wife, but you get the picture. The refrain plays over and over in my head, relationships are messy! They’re lots of things, for sure, but one of those things is definitely messy!
We all wear a lot of hats and have multitudes of relational roles and responsibilities. How do we keep it all together and in order? Which roles and responsibilities do we prioritize? How do we know which hats to wear at which times? This plays into the complexity of relationships! As I dig deeper into the mess of relationships I see a theme throughout all of them, and that theme is the importance of a strong, stable, and secure identity that is rooted and grounded deep in Jesus. Yes, I’m a husband, dad, pastor, friend, and yadda, yadda, yadda but before I am anything I am a son of the most high God. I’m united to him through the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus. Before I am anything else, I am that!
More and more I'm awakening to the reality that I can’t show up faithfully in any of my relationships without living and relating out of a deep sense of stable, secure, and strong identity in Jesus. It’s fundamentally who I am, and it’s foundational to the health of each and every relationship that I find myself in. I simply can not be the husband that Tiffany needs, the dad that Richard needs, the friend that my friends need or the Pastor that Missio Dei Church needs outside of being rooted and grounded in Jesus.
Nurturing this stable identity then becomes the best thing I can do for the flourishing of my relationships or in other words, the greatest thing I can do for the people and the world around is to spend time with Jesus. Stable identity in Jesus is nourished by spending time with Jesus. Understanding this reality, the greatest thing that I can do to serve my wife, my son, my friends, and the Church is prioritizing presence with Jesus. I must prioritize time with Jesus, I must protect time with Jesus, I must reorient my life around being with Jesus. That’s where boundaries come in. The reality exists that If I decide to not take responsibility for my time and energy there is a long line of people and things waiting and willing to take that responsibility for me! As I've talked with people, that seems to be a universal experience.
I’ve spent a lot of my life aware of my need for spiritual rhythms, disciplines, or practices, however, you desire to describe them, and trying to fit them into my busy, hurried, and full life. Life gets busy, and often too busy for time with Jesus. If you are honest with yourself you probably have experienced the same thing. Naturally, I wouldn’t say with my words that I’m too busy to spend time with Jesus, because I’m more spiritual than that, but often I confess that is how I live. Recently I’ve discovered a need to shift from fitting time with Jesus through spiritual disciplines, rhythms, and practices into my life to fitting my life into the disciplines, rhythms, and practices of being with Jesus. I’ve begun to reorient my life around the rhythms of prayer, silence, contemplation, scripture, and Sabbath, and it’s changing my life.
Reorienting my life around times with Jesus brings clarity to what is important, and who is important. Reorienting my life around times with Jesus has enabled me to grow in being present to my own needs and the needs of those around me. It’s become the fertile soil from which my relationships flourish. How might God be inviting you to stop trying to fit your spiritual disciplines into your life but instead begin fitting your life into your spiritual disciplines?
To do so requires boundaries that prioritize and protect our time with Jesus. Time is a limited commodity and when it passes, it’s gone. None of us have the ability to stop time, or add time to our life, although how cool would that be? Time levels the “playing field” of life so to speak. We all bump up against our limits with time and are forced into embracing said limitations! While I am aware of the reality that we do not all have the same demands on our time as the next person, we do all get the same amount of time and we do all have the same responsibility to decide how we are going to use our time.
When we think about boundaries we usually start thinking about the boundaries that we need to create with people in our lives, and this is an incredibly important practice that I’ll write about at a later time. But I’d like to submit that clarity for this type of boundary setting must flow from a stable, strong, and secure identity in Jesus. Naturally, the first boundaries we need to set are those which enable us to be present to Jesus. What stands in the way of you spending time with Jesus right now? What adjustments need to be made and what rhythms need to be established to prioritize and protect time with Jesus in your life?
One of the biggest hurdles that stand in the way of time with Jesus for me is about 6 inches tall and 3 inches wide. I carry it around in my pocket and take it everywhere I go. It’s beautiful and has a shiny little apple logo on the back of it. I’m talking about my iPhone. It’s an endless stream of information, escape, and distraction. There are many benefits of living in the information age and having the seemingly infinite amount of information at my fingertips, but the downside may outweigh the upside, at least that is the way it seems sometimes! Over the past several months I have been paying attention to my iPhone consumption, and what I’ve observed in my own life is that I have an unhealthy obsession with my iPhone that robs me of time and affection for Jesus. If I am honest my desire to know everything, be everything to everyone, and control everything in my life, consumes WAY TOO MUCH OF MY TIME! But, how can I take it back? How can I practice the freedom that is mine in knowing that I don’t have to know all things, be all things or control things because Jesus does?
A few weeks ago I adjusted my settings and made some changes. I removed all apps except those that were necessary for my “roles and responsibilities” and those which saved me time. I set all my social media limits to no more than 30 minutes. I grayscale my phone so it was less distracting and attention-grabbing. I moved most of the apps that I retained off of the home screen app so they wouldn’t draw me in. I turned off my email notifications on my phone and turned off text messages notifications for every feed except my wife’s, in case of an emergency! I have turned off every single other non-essential notification from my phone. My apologies if my reaction times to your social media posts have risen or if it is taking me longer to return your text messages, haha. Was there a period of detoxing from constant technological connection? For sure, but the freedom that comes with boundaries has proven to be very good for my soul.
For you, it may not be your iPhone that presents the problems, but what is it? I don’t give you this list of personal accomplishments and boundaries to build my ego and demand that you look and celebrate what I’ve done but as a means to hopefully encourage you on your journey in prioritizing time with Jesus for your own personal flourishing and for the flourishing of the relationships in your life that you love and need the most! When my identity with Jesus becomes my priority in life, I reorient my life around that priority!
How may God be inviting you to reorient your life around that priority?
In what ways may God be inviting you to fit your life into your rhythms of spending time with Jesus instead of fitting your rhythms of spending time with Jesus into your life?
Submitted By: Matt Korte